don't know whether I'm coming or going...
... did you ever play the game Pick-up-sticks? You know when you tip all of the sticks out of the tube, before you start to try to pick them up? Well that's how life feels at the moment.
Most of the structure of the past is gone or going and I'm not sure I have the energy to build something new. And yet I'm absolutely certain I have to work at it otherwise things will become shambolic.
This week has been particularly strange - my arthritis has been coming and going like the wind; I had what I suspect in retrospect will turn out to be a turning point day when I went into work on Tuesday; and when I saw the consultant rheumatologist yesterday the sense of uncertainty and indecision was only increased - it feels like the ground is moving beneath me. The only thing I seem to have aplenty is images and metaphors for how uncertain it all is. I don't want to wish my life away, but I could really do with it just suddenly being six months from now - cos by then, one way or another, things should be settled.
Oh dear...
3 comments:
hya,
i can't begin to imagine how it must feel to be in your position bloghawk.
but i can in a way at least identify with the feelings of uncontrolable uncertainty etc that you've described, but for a whole other set of reasons. the only thing i can say to that is keep looking forward and then today will soon be yesterday & so on untill hopefully you'll find yourself in a position to live in the moment again.
it would be great sometimes to have a crystal ball and look into the future to know how things are gona work out. but not even david blane can sort that 1 out!
for what its worth, i think that you are an extremely strong and couragous person for soldiering on through what must be such difficult times. whilst still keeping your sense of humour and fighting spirit.
keep on keeping on
purkul
x
That's very well said Purkul - I think that about blueshawk too.
Where the pick up sticks analogy falls down (ha) is that it'a game and is supposed to be fun. This isn't any fun for you at all is it? The building imagery might be a good one to work on - what foundations do you need? I will help you build them.
keep on keeping on (that's in a song somewhere - I think by Steve Winwood) - I'm sure that's good advice. And after a shakey start, that is what I did, and it worked - I just did some stuff (mostly productive, and the day got better (emotionally at least).
Thank you for your support - I feel cared for - love txxx
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