Poisoning myself...

... my joints are getting better - I think I can now descend from the fence, and admit it in writing. I've been superstitious about acknowledging the improvement, lest, pride coming before a fall, I found I was just having a few good days in a row. But the improvement is sustained. I'm not pain free, and I'm often very tired still, but the stiffness and swelling have lessened and I don't feel as ill....

but, and it's a big BUT....
the main drug I am taking - methotrexate (mtx) - is making me feel pretty awful. This is no great surprise as mtx is highly toxic.
The hope is that in taking it, the benefits significantly outweigh the "costs". This would be more acceptable if mtx cured rheumatoid arthritis (RA), but it doesn't, it only slows the disease down; and unless your RA goes into remission, taking mtx is a life sentence.
When you start taking mtx you take a small dose for a while, in my case 7.5mg a week, and gradually build up until your symptoms all but disappear, or until the toxic effects become intolerable. This process has taken two months so far and last Wednesday, 7pm, I took my first dose of 15mg. By bedtime I felt sick, I was up half the night, and the next day I spent in bed - I was very nauseous, had diarrhoea, stomach cramps, dizziness/motion sickness and felt completely knackered - all in all an hilarious package of symptoms. And I'm still feeling queasy on Sunday morning.
Longer term, other effects have also been building up - irritability, motion sickness, depression, loss of appetite - for those who know me well this is a big-y - horrible taste in mouth and a couple other things too personal to mention here.

These things are all to be expected - this page shows what people taking mtx experience - both good and bad.

What I have to decide now is if I can tolerate the bad effects, set against the good the drug is doing....